How fast can you grade?

Annoyingly Anxious Student: "I'm having difficulties with my reading assignments.The last two I submitted are not graded yet.Could you please go over them and let me know how I can improve on my grades before I submit any more?"

My reply: "I'm sorry I have not graded your reading assignments. I have not been able to grade reading assignments this week because I have been busy grading approximately 90 essays from the exam you all took on Monday. I plan on grading reading assignments over the weekend, and hopefully I will be able to grade both of yours."

Not to mention the fact that the essays were extremely tortuous...

An excerpt from a student essay who made an A in English: "Even dough there was not a life threatening result, there still was a nonverbal communication response on my face."

An excerpt from a student who has taken two college level Composition and Rhetoric classes (transferred from another "institution" so I am not sure of her grades): "While bathing his physical began to work so his skin won’t absorb water...Now Wayne is smiling and feels great. Because his head is shaved and facial hair is neat nails are clean. So now he feels well around others. And that’s a great part of social functions...While running he felt a fly on him because he was able to know that a fly way on him we know that his sensation are working great. He knocks the fly off and continues his run and he trip and fell."

An excerpt just too fucking funny not to share: "Well before you know it she’s done feel off and scrapped her knee, well now her cathelicidins kick in and as they help do, the help protect the wounded skin from infection, and then the human defensins come out and as they do, they somewhat “punch holes” in the bacteria that can cause serious infection, which if it was for these to things our ingrown toe nails and finger nails would be much worse when they occur."

Dear God, is it any wonder why half of these people fail my class? These are prime examples of the products coming out of our highschools, and now our "colleges". All I can say is that they will not be passing my class, unless it is by some freak miracle.